CNY Feels Different

Chinese New Year hasn’t felt the same for 12 years.

After Mum passed, the season became something I quietly tried to avoid. The noise, the visits, the reunion dinners — all of it felt too heavy without her.

But we still showed up for Grandma. Every year, we gathered, ate together, talked about small things, and pretended everything was normal. I realise now those years were her way of holding the family together.

When Grandma left us 4 years ago, the reunion dinners stopped. No one said it out loud. It just… faded.

Since then, CNY has been a strange mix of silence and memories. I still think of Mum, busy doing all the marketing and stuffing the fridge with enough food to last for days. Till today, we still wonder how she did it — like some magic black box.

Every year we had steamboat — except the year Mum passed. That year, I booked a table at Vistana Hotel because she wasn’t able to prepare. We didn’t know it would be her last Chinese New Year.

Some years we used charcoal, some years electric, but we always preferred charcoal. There was just something about the smell and the heat that made it feel right. Mum would wake up early to prepare everything, and I would help arrange the plates and ingredients. We even had our fixed seating — Mum closest to the kitchen so she could top up the soup easily, Grandma beside her.

Laughing, arguing, fighting over sotong balls.

All those small, ordinary moments… now they are the ones I miss the most.

This year, I did something different. I travelled and spent the holiday quietly with my boyfriend. No hot pot, no visiting. Just the two of us, a slower CNY. It helped a little.

Grief still comes, but so does gratitude. I’m thankful for the memories, for the love they gave us, and for the chance to keep going in our own way.

I still miss them. Every year. Every CNY.

But I know they would want us to keep celebrating life, even in small ways.

Wishing everyone a gentle Chinese New Year — good health, warm meals, and people to sit around the table with. If you’re missing someone this season, you’re not alone.

Gong Xi Fa Cai. ❤️

May x