Some Days I Feel a Bit Useless

Somehow, it looked so certain of its direction.

Some days, when I wake up, I find myself wondering — what do I actually want to do today?

This is another slightly personal post… maybe a bit of sharing, maybe a bit of grumbling. But I thought I’d just write it as it is. First of all, I have to say that I am happy and grateful, but this feeling is hard to explain.

I know I’ve said to myself to enjoy slow mornings and quiet time. And in a way, I realised this was something I used to want. After years of rushing, working hard, and constantly moving, I thought slowing down would feel different.

But honestly, sometimes, I still feel a bit… useless. Like, I’m not really contributing in a meaningful way.

I think this feeling started after I left my job. Suddenly, there was no clear goal, no structure, no objective to work towards every day.

And just to be clear, it’s not that I gave everything up unwillingly. I made the choice to be closer to my boyfriend. I wouldn’t call it a sacrifice… but at the same time, I know I did give up certain parts of my life.

I also know how it might look from the outside. Some people might think I’m living a “tai tai” life. But honestly, that’s not how I see it.

I don’t spend on luxurious things. I don’t shop much, and I’m not into branded items. I live quite simply. I cover my own expenses and don’t rely on him for what I want. Even when it comes to birthday gifts, I tend to think carefully about what I actually need.

So no, it’s not really that kind of life.

From the outside, everything probably looks fine. Life is comfortable, things are stable. But internally, it can feel quite different.

It’s a quiet kind of feeling that just sits there in the background.

There’s no real reason for it on those days. Nothing particularly bad happens. It’s just that sense of not doing enough, not being enough, or not moving forward in any clear direction.

Some days, I wake up and wonder what I actually did that day that mattered.

Not in a big, life-changing way. Even just something small that feels meaningful.

Some days, I manage that.

A short run. A few pages of a book. Clearing something at home. Finishing a small task. Those days feel a bit lighter.

But there are also days when I don’t feel like doing much at all. And those are the days when the “useless” feeling creeps in a bit more.

I’ve been trying not to be too hard on myself when that happens.

Because maybe this is just a slower phase of life.

I know not everything has to be productive all the time. Not every day needs to have a clear outcome.

Maybe sometimes, it’s enough to just get through the day quietly.

I’m also learning that just because something looks small, it doesn’t mean it has no value.

Resting has value. Resetting has value. Even doing nothing for a while has its place, whether we like to admit it or not.

Maybe part of this feeling also comes from being away from people.

I don’t really have anyone here besides my boyfriend to talk to. Most of my conversations are online — with my siblings, my nieces and nephew, and a few friends I don’t see often.

So I do appreciate the small things — a reply, a message, even a simple like. It reminds me that I’m still connected in some way.

I don’t have everything figured out right now. Maybe this feeling is just part of the process. I’m still slowly figuring out what I want next… it just feels like it’s taking longer than I expected.

And if you’ve ever felt this way too, you’re not alone. I’d really like to hear how you get through those days — or if you’re still figuring it out too.

May xx

When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned: Finding Myself Between Places

Lately, I’ve been thinking a bit more about where I am in life right now. I’m turning 45 soon. Midlife crisis? Not really. But sometimes… I do feel a bit useless.

This is a bit more personal than what I usually write, but I thought I’d share it anyway. Maybe someone out there is going through something similar.

First of all, it’s not that I don’t want to work or that I’m not capable of working. I chose not to work for personal reasons.

I’m originally from Penang. Around 2013, I was travelling between Singapore and other parts of Southeast Asia for work. By 2016, I was mostly based in Singapore.

When COVID-19 hit, I went back to Penang to be closer to home, especially for my grandma. Around that time, I also started working remotely.

Then, at the end of 2021, I came to Bangkok. It was supposed to be temporary, and I thought I would eventually go back to what I was used to.

But somehow, I never left. We never left.

I didn’t plan to live in Thailand.

Life just shifted along the way. Plans changed, and what was meant to be temporary slowly became something longer. Before I realised it, I was no longer living in Singapore or Penang. Thailand became the place I was based in.

My boyfriend travels a lot for work, and his schedule is quite unpredictable. If I were to take on a full-time, office-based job, it would be very hard for us to spend time together. It would almost feel like we are living separate lives.

So to be honest, it was my choice. I chose to be closer to him, even if it meant putting some parts of my own life on hold.

Since he travels quite a bit, I sometimes follow him on longer trips. Otherwise, I’m mostly based here in Thailand.

Sometimes, I do help out with some of his work — small projects or assignments here and there. It’s something I’m familiar with, so it still feels good to use my brain and do something related to what I used to specialise in.

But outside of that, my routine is quite different now.

I don’t really participate in running events anymore, mainly because our schedule is quite uncertain. There were even times I signed up for races but ended up being in another country. We move around and adjust plans quite often, so it’s hard to commit to anything regularly.

What I do try to do is keep things simple — run occasionally, read a bit more, and lately, I’ve even started gaming again.

To be honest, I wouldn’t say I love it here. Somewhere along the way, I feel like I lost parts of myself — my routine, my circle of friends, and a sense of familiarity.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t try to build something new here.

But the truth is, we’ve been moving around quite a bit. We’re usually not in one place for more than a month, and that makes it difficult to settle into any kind of routine.

Some of my friends say from time to time, “Wow, you’re always travelling.” But the truth is, we’re mostly just moving between our homes and the places my boyfriend needs to be for work.

We now have another place in Penang, so technically we can move between the two. But for now, we are mostly based in Chonburi, Thailand. Partly because of the weather.

(Yes… the weather. 🙄)

There isn’t really much for me to do here in a way that feels meaningful to me. Some days feel fine, quiet and manageable. Other days feel a bit empty.

I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy. But I also wouldn’t say this is exactly the life I imagined for myself.

Maybe it’s just one of those phases that I’m still adjusting to.

There’s quite a bit going on at the moment, so for now I’m just letting things be.

Maybe it will change again, as everything else has.

For now, I’m just learning how to sit with it.

This wasn’t really my plan, but it’s where I am.

If you’ve ever felt this way, too, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

May xx